User blog:THEJJRAT/scary threesome
Vrooom, vrooom, vrooom... A TARDIS materialized in the middle of the Badlands, near a large abandoned Mann Co factory. A black dude with a sexy afro comes tumbling out, having a coughing fit from the smoke coming out of the TARDIS. A woman soon follows, shutting the TARDIS doors and ending the smoke terror doom reign of old. After the man recovered from the evil smoke attack of doom, he looked around at where the TARDIS landed. "Anne... I think we're in New Mexico." the man said, with a grin on his face. Anne Shirley was a companion he picked up from a few drunken nights out in the time stream. He promised to return her to the 1860's soon enough, but a few days of adventuring didn't hurt no one (except the Pond family). "New Mexico? Why, I hope the Gravel War-" "Anne, get back inside. Now." Father sternly said, like he does to his kids. Anne learned that when Father was stern, shit was about to go down, so she nodded and obeyed. She pulled out her SPAS-12 and went to town on the smoke menace, shouting her battle cry and shooting those clouds of smoke. "Why do I recognize you, and why is there red smoke comin' out of you lot...?" Father asked himself, upon seeing the run down factory. It was apart of his memory, somehow, he remembered it. Felt like it was last Tuesday on a Monday afternoon. Naturally, he decided to break in. "Batman bats an bats an baths and a am Ms aka jams dj sand dj sms for sis a a. A a s. S. Ankles dj DJ's a honda sinks slaps sow own shoes bahaha a sneaks smell bs an disowns dj urinals" Father sang, spittin' fire like a professional rapper, as he made his way down to the door. He then realized he had a teleportation device stuck in his ribs. He once battled an army of cybermen who were attempting to rob a Burger King back in 1989, and he accidentally swallowed a piece of cybermen after blowing one up. It got stuck in his ribcage, and he has learned to control it over time. He just keeps forgetting it exists, for some reason. He screams in agony and somehow moves his entire ribcage, activating the device. He was now in the factory. "Halt, for only time travelers are allowed in this factory!" two guards said, raising laser weaponry. "Prove yourself to be a time traveler or die!" "Harris, the boss said we can't kill anyone." the cyberman guard said to it's demonic counterpart. "Oh... Then prove it or leave! How about telling us about some 'fellow' time travelers?" "Well, uh... There's the Doctor, he exists. You know, the guy who saved the world various times from you lot? Then there's Jeff Magnum, who built a time machine and saved Anne Frank and made her his sister, and eventually married her. Oh, then there's Bill and Ted... And Emmett Brown... And Frank the bunny..... And technically Ash Williams now that I think about it." The two demons, confused as a physical manifestation of the year 1378 that has just come into existence, huddle together. They figure that whatever he just said sounds legit, and they let him in. It was worn down factory, blood and waste staining the floors and walls. It was also infested by giant radioactive cockroaches, with rust painting the walls. "Jesus, smells like ass in here." Father said. That reminded him, he forgot to buy booty rice and milk. He mouthed a curse to himself, before continuing on. He do in noticed that demons, necromorphs, and various other nasty creatures were roaming the facility. He was just glad they were ignoring him, for some reason. They seemed to be refining some kind of material, working as a team. "You smell like ass." Father said to a revenant janitor. "Thanks. Name's Bib Eye Joe." the demon replied, making a thumbs up. "My god... It's a portal to Hell." Father muttered "Earth was already invaded by Hell, and the Doom Slayer stomped your ass. Why are demons so fucking persistent?" Father growled. Then he got it. If the world is invaded now... Then the Doom Slayer isn't born. Father pulled out a pistol, aiming it towards Kragnar. "HE WILL NOT FIRE. FATHER POOPER IS A CONFIRMED COMPANION TO THE DOCTOR! THE DOCTOR RARELY KILLS!" the dalek screeched with its robot voice, its laser gun and eyestalk bouncing up and down as it spoke. "Yeah, well, me and the Doctor have conflicting ethical views." "We're gonna gather a team. A team of people who are good at kicking ass." Father explained, messing about on the console. "And then we're gonna kick some ass, and save the world." Planet: Taigris Origin: Infected, evolved Little backstory: A giant from the planet Taigris (in the Xonor galaxy), Unity grew up wanting to join the galaxy spanning Imperium of Man and serve the Emperor. As a child, he was regularly forced to endure complete agony and be shot, to gain a resistance against pain and bullets, as well as killing weak demons. Both of his parents were murdered by demons during the Great Decotaco War of 9230 A.I, and he was taken in by a retired soldier of the Imperium. Disgusted and enraged by demonkind, he swore to do whatever he could to rid the universe of any trace of demonic scum. He took his first steps in joining the Imperium after taking part in an experiment (involving sea slugs found in Terra's seas), where he was one of the few surviving test subjects. The slugs developed superpowers within him, which he used during a meeting of Barack Obama from the Milky Way and the Emperor. A spacefaring species of living cactus men, named Cactoosemen, attacked the ceremony while Unity was in the crowd. He slaughtered the cactus men with his bare fists and a watermelon, impressing the Emperor. He requested that he became His loyal guard and watermelon chef, which he instantly accepted (not that he couldn't). However, the day after, Hell invades Terra. Powers: Bullet Resistance, Painkillers, Teleport, Adaptability, Cryoblast, Smell, Gas Blast Armor: Symbiote Armor Modes: Dead Ringer, Waste Disposal Weapons: (Went a bit overboard it's funner, I don't care about cheating, and he picked most of these up. Plus, in universe, it doesn't make sense why he can't just stock up on whatever he wants) Chainsaw, Uber Shotgun, Quad Chaingun, Acid Spitter, the Eviscerators, Bolter, the Shotgun, Siphon grenade, Power Sword, and the Thunder Hammer Companions: (also cheating a bit on this part, but I just can't choose lmao) The Traveler, the Dwarven Craftsmen, Mantis, The Firestarter, the Coldblooded Assassin, the Macabre Doctor, the Blast-Jumping Cadian ^ Is subject to expand between missions I'm doing all the quests, because it's fun. And now we run Cold. It was cold. Probably because... he was in a cryogenic freezing tube. But it was getting warmer. Warmer than a slow roasted slab of demon flesh over the fire... Soon, he realized that he was awake, and facing a blood stained freezer door. Confused, he pushes the door, causing it to easily break off and shatter onto the floor. He could barely remember anything, aside from somebody pushing him into a freezer at the last moment of.... something. He stumbled out of the pod, a puddle of blood splashing as his nude feet stomped into it. Several mangled corpses decorated the room, along with their blood. Two were mercs completely torn apart, and the other was a space marine somehow bested by this unknown enemy. His helmeted head was stuck to a bloody, long, and jagged bone shoved into the tiles of the floor, a few steps across from his corpse. Like it was a warning. Or a war trophy. The giant silently paid his respects to the fallen soldier, picking up the soldier's sledgehammer and bolter, and unsheathed the power sword from the soldier's utility belt. He needed to defend himself against whatever hell lurked these parts. Suddenly, a screen extends from the flood and turns on. It was slightly dirty and cracked, but still functional. "Hello, this is a pre-recorded message, so don't bother asking anything. I'm Doctor Voxxyn, head of nuclear research at the Krasnogvardiech Institute. You may have a hefty amount of questions, including why you've been frozen and why there's a bunch of dead bodies, but I have some basil-stuffed demon rolls in the oven so I gotta make this brief. Terra has fallen to demons. We scientists opened a portal to Hell on accident. We spent years and years fighting, even invading their crib a few times. But when our God Emperor tripped on an eggroll planted by Satan himself, so did our might. We lost battle after battle, control point after control point, demon by demon. We're teetering on our last prothestic legs. That's where you come in, homie-" "THEY DARE KILL MY GOD EMPEROR?!" Unity shouted, clenching his fists. "I'LL SLAUGHTER THEM ALL AND SLOW ROAST THEIR FAMILIES" "Some dude, for some friggin' reason, thought chu was a hefty asset, so they froze you in time my chigga chugga french fry. As a giant, your purpose is to serve the Imperium, so getchyo ass over to the Institute, fool. Over and out." Filled with anger, rage, and determination, Unity madly trekked through the halls of the facility. The many corpses of innocents and space marines angered him even more. Thinking about it made him grind his teeth. He then noticed that there were skeletons amongst the bodies. "Are these the guys who woke me up?..." he thought about the fresher ones. Lost in thought, he eventually stumbled upon an armory. Various rusted lockers ran along the room, along with dim, flickering lights. "Huh." he muttered, walking over to a large containment tube in front of a row of lockers. It was filled was a strange, white being, that was violently trying to escape. It was almost like a liquid, or a.... goo. It's a symbiote, he thought. They were from Klyntar, from the dreaded Andromeda Galaxy. He learned about them in "school", about how the Imperium attempted to invade their planet but were ripped to shreds. Must've been left over from the invasion. Or a stowaway. Or a meteor.... he thought. He then looked below, and discovered a button labeled "DON'T PRESS YOU STUPID ASSHOLE". He figured the beast could help him on his mission, so he slammed his fist onto the red button. Instantly, the glass walls of the tube retracted, the symbiote launching into his chest. Unity stumbled back, a little shocked at the event, but he calmed down as the parasitic goo explored his entire naked body and fastened tight onto him. Felt sort of good in some areas. The giant examined his new companion, looking at his clawed hands. He noticed, by the reflection of the mirror, that it gave him sort of a false head. A scary-ass lookin' head, at that. He continued to browse the armory, finding an array of Imperium and other otherworldly weaponry. One thing caught his eye, a out of place looking square brick. He picked it up, and pressed a round button on the bottom of the glass screen. It had opened up what looked like a Abeanernet page, but with the words "Wikipedia". "Their named has caused many confusions and terrorist attacks in the past. As they were based in New York, "Daily Badlands" made no sense. This confusion caused two Vietnamese men to drive a pizza delivery bike into the Pentagon. They later revealed a statement that Badlands was a Chinese slang term for "naughty semen hamburger"." After a moment of confusion, he sat the phone back down and assumed it was from another galaxy, and forgot about it. He then found another thing that caught his eye, a chainsaw. He picked the beaut with both clawed hands, bits of white symbiote staining the handle and orange base. He smirked at the array of weapons, and started grabbing whatever he could. He noticed that slim, white tentacles shot out of his suit, grabbing the weapons and hoarding them into his backside. Confused as shit, he reaches to his back and feels many sharp and cold things. He then pulled out a shotgun. "Oh, cool, it comes with a backpack!" he thought as he cocked the shotgun. The tentacles then shot out again, grabbing various ammo boxes around the room and burying them into his back. He thought he was ready for whatever monsters waited outside, and walks towards the exit door. He realizes the door is opened via password, with a codepad next to it. "Ah, shit..." "2....7....9.....3....." said a voice within his head, sharing the lasagna out of him. "Who's there?!" he shouted, turning around and aiming his shotgun. "I'm the symbiote, you assnut. Didn't take long to bond with you..... I'm Kluunarr, by the way." "Oh..." he muttered out loud, lowering his gun. He then turned around and figured it was the code, so he pressed the various buttons on the pad, making a tick sound everytime his sharp claw tapped one. The door soon opened, revealing not what he expected. Not what he wanted. Not what he needed. "Oh, FUCK me!" "I'M IN THE BIRTHPLACE OF SIN" "I'M IN THE BIRTHPLACE OF SIN" Two demons appear out of the sky, wielding UAC jet packs and watermelons. Unity roared and blew them to bits with his shotgun, before pulling out his chaingun as a horde of imps chase after him. Demon after demon dropped, hundreds of bullets whizzing past and getting caught into demon flesh. He blew the head off a succubus with his other shotgun-armed hand, as well as knocked the Onoskelis herself on her ass. An imp jumped onto his back, smacking around Unity's head and digging it's claws into his soldiers. The symbiote wrapped itself around the demon and crushed it in half from pressure, Unity turning around and stuffing his uber shotgun down the torn-in-half demon's throat. "Time for your judgement." He was soon retreating, overwhelmed by the natives of Hell. He kept them at bay with his Acid Spitter and Bolter, freezing a large chunk of the horde with a cryoblast. He took cover behind a crumbled statue of the Doomslayer, reloading his bolter until he stood dead froze. A cyberdemon A cyberdemon. A towering, cybernetic hellish beast. It roared at Unity, globs of demon saliva flying at Unity at incredibly hgih speeds. It aimed it's arm cannon towards the shocked Unity, the cannon beginning to rotate and turn on. By the time he realized what was happening, he knew he fucked up. "Atleast I took some of them with me." he thought, closing his eyes and waiting to join the God Emperor. "Wait a fuck, what about me?" "Die proud. You helped defeat the forces of sin, though it was a small contribution." "Eh, whatever. I'm old anyway." However, things started to change when a huge boom was heard. Unity jumped, and saw that the cyberdemon had a gaping blue hole through it's shoulder. It roared a mighty roar, making his ears ring for a moment. He stumbled about, the symbiote spazzing as it was confused as a /pol/tard who was getting laid. "Now!" an accented voice screamed from the distance. The voice confused him, he had traveled the galaxy during his school years and hadn't heard anything like it before. It sounded elegant like a Terran, but also like a demon who eats croissants. He was mighty confuzzled. "COME AND GET ME, YOU RED CHINESE COMMUNIST! I'M ALL LATHERED UP AND READY TO BE ON SATAN'S PLATE!" a nude man screamed, running in front of the cyberdemon. "Is this a terran tradition?" Kluunarr asked, presumably on the man completely covered in honey. "I sure hope not...." "Run." the man whispered to Unity, before tuning back to the hulking demon. "EAT ME, YOU UGLY SON OF A BITCH! I'M SALTIER THAN ICED TEA WITH LIBERAL TEARS, JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE IT YOU FAT FUCK!" he screamed to the top of his lungs, before taking a huge breathe. Unity gulped and took his advice, slowly stepping back as the man shouted various vulgar phrases at the demon. As he stepped over the statue, he was knocked in the back of the head with a bench. image credits dawg http://www.patheos.com/blogs/standingonmyhead/2015/07/hell-whats-that.html YouTube poop wiki A marvel figurine or something "Seriously John, I'm a menace? I saved this town from two symbiote invasions, from a madman with a nuclear reactor powerful enough to wipe out the city, saved plenty of you Xen-Tec and Kln-Tec from falling, and saved the country from the cross-species virus... And I'm the menace." Peter thought, after reading another Daily Bugle paper. Of him "being in kahoots with Galactus" after he saved the universe from being eaten. Maybe he should move to Gotham, or Jump City, maybe even Bludhaven. They would probably appreciate him more. They appreciated Batman, after all. Suddenly, he remembered that he was late for work. "Oh jeez, I got so caught up in what I was doing I forgot all about it" Peter said, running to his closet and browsing. He decided to use one of his black suits, so he could deliver pizza faster. He used his first black suit, the one that made him have emo hair and walk across the streets while snapping his fingers. And thrusting his pelvis, spinning, eating cookies, not fixing that door, and throwing Mary Jane across the room. He then jumped out the window and broke his left kidney. So Chuck Norris sent him a health coin from the sky, to heal his left kidney. "thank chuck" Peter said, before web swinging to his workplace. "Han's Pizzeria". He originally worked for Joe's Pizza, but Han Solo visited New York and opened a pizza place. Mr. Aziz worked at both, as he was the long lost cousin of Solo. Peter took off his suit and walked inside. "PARKER YOU'RE LATE" Mr. Aziz yelled. "I HAVE PEEZZUHS THAT NEED DELIVERING" Aziz screamed. "okay Mr. Aziz you can count on me" Peter said, grabbing the pizza boxes and running outside. Bruce Campbell, the voice in his head, decided to play goofy Italian music like always. He jumped on the roof, and exploded when he was shot in the knee by one of those merc dudes with the mech suits. Spidey was then resurrected when Shrek, who was on his way to eat onion pizza, found his exploded symbiote covered corpse. Shrek was a fan of Spider-Man, since he once saved an onion farm. Peter gasped as he was now alive, and bowed to the great and powerful ogre. "yer welcome laddeh" the ogre said, jumping through a window of Han's Pizza and eating the President. "you're under arrest for eating the president" a Secret Service member disguised as a pizza said, shooting Shrek with a prototype pistol that was designed to use trash cans as ammo. ///������ POLICE ASSAULT IN PROGRESS ������/// SWAT swarmed the pizzeria, guns blazing at the ogre. He smacked them to Mars. "CALL THE NAVY" a surviving officer said, he had ogrewhelmed them. Marines arrived in Blackhawks, wearing nanosuits, power armor, and Oscorp combat armor. They wielded anti-ogre cannons, developed by U.S. scientists in case Shrek would ever turn evil. Spider-Man was met with a life-altering decision: Help the police detain Shrek, or help Shrek escape and be declared a menace once again. So he decided to just deliver pizza and pretend it never happened. He swung across the city until he discovered his first pizza thing destination of old; Ra's Al Ghul's house. He was visiting New York for the summer, planning on opening a KFC. Spidey swung to the door, and pressed the door bell. "PIZZA DELIVERY" he screamed. Ra's opened the door, smiling as he saw a man in colorful tights wielding a piping hot pizza pie. "Finally, my pizza!" Ra's said, grabbing the box. "Wait, where's my soda? I can't eat a pizza without my drink!" Ra's said, pulling out his sword. "oh I think I left it at the pizzeria" Spidey said. "I NEED MY DRINK" Ra's screamed, swinging his sword at the masked vigilante. Spider-Man dodged and kicked him in the chest, sending him flying across the room and into his Lazarus Pit. He came back out, now stronger than ever. He screamed and attempted to behead the web head, but Spidey called upon the powers of SpongeBob's left toe and sent him back in time, to the Star Wars galaxy. There, he would become Darth Revan and take over the Star Forge. "what" Talia asked. "aren't you supposed to be dead" Peter asked. "I'm a comic book character, I come back to life every Tuesday" "oh" Spidey said. He then opened the pizza box and discovered the Ram-Cola that was hiding within. "oh" he said once again. "want some pizza" Spidey asked. "sure" Talia said. They sat on the couch and watched Dr. Phil as they ate pizza. Suddenly, Batman burst through the window. "PETER" he screamed, grabbing Spidey and throwing him across the room. "NO ONE DARES TO WATCH DR. PHIL WITH MY DEAD GIRL FRIEND" Batman screamed, punching Spidey in the face. "BAHHJEJWNSNDNSNA" he screamed, breaking Batman's left kidney with his thumb. "OH GOSH DARN DIDDLY FUCK" Batman screamed, clutching his kidney and falling to the ground. "MEDIC" he screamed, in complete agony. "Oh gosh darn" Spidey said, grabbing Batman with his webs and running out of the house. He swung over to Mercy Hospital and dropped him off. "Thanks Spidey, you got him here just in time." a doctor said, driving Batman into the hospital on a wheelchair. "Well, that happened" Spider-Man claimed, obviously correct. He decided to think the day over and head back to his apartment. It appeared that he failed to capture or save Shrek, turned a super villain into the galaxy's best Sith lord, ate pizza with Batman's dead girlfriend, and sent Batman to the hospital for breaking his left kidney. He had done nothing of value, except for creating Darth Revan on accident. He decided to sort out the souviners he collected over the years. He shot a box with one of his webs and pulled it over to him. He opened it, discovering the mess within. Inside were comic books with the exact same cover, silver Spider logo coin things, the multicolored ones from Web of Shadows, audio tapes, Oscorp manuals, and various floating yellow coins. He had collected plenty of random crap from his various adventures. He pulled out a buoy token. It gave him a horrific flashback of missing buoys and hitting the water, before he snapped out of it. He threw the box back down into his basement and decided to fight some crime instead. He ran down the stairs and discovered that Aunt May was cooking up some of her world famous wheat cakes. "hey aunt may where's the left over chicken nuggets" Peter asked. He then remembered he didn't take off his suit. "Oh, I didn't know you liked chicken nuggets Spider-Man. Did Peter invite you?" she asked. "U-uh, yeah. He wanted to take some shots of me eating fast food" Spidey said. "Alright. Can you tell him it's breakfast time?" May asked. "sure" he said and took the nuggets, venturing back into his room. He then took various pictures of himself eating nuggets in strange ways and took off his suit. He ventured down to the kitchen. "thanks aunt may for giving spidey man some tendies" Peter said. "I always like to see superheroes eating things in the newspaper" May said, setting down a plate of wheat cakes. "oh cool wheat cakes" he said, eating the cakes with the utmost haste within his left leg. As he couldn't eat things within his left leg, his legs exploded. "oh man my legs what happened woah" Peter asked, amazed. May then put a band aid on his exploded leg stubs, healing him and growing better legs. "okay aunt I gotta go give these pics to the daily bugle" he said, running out of the house and tripping. A car then ran over him, Peter exploding. He then glued back together by one of his clones, Ben Reilly. "Oh hey, I thought you were dead." Peter claimed. "I'm a comic book character" Ben said. Suddenly, Peter had a PTSD flashback. He was swinging across New York with a criminal he picked up from an armored car robbery. She was gonna be his sidekick. ThugGirl. He swung across New York with her, until he pressed A on accident and sent her flying downwards. He hears her screams and death moan everytime he closes his eyes. He then swung into the air with his webs and teleported to a 7-11. "Welcome to this here 7-11." the cashier said, who happened to be Charles Xavier. "I WANT A SLUSHIE" he said, charging at Charles with a bag of Doritos. He hit Charles across the face with the bag, causing the Doritos to implode. This caused the Silver Surfer to appear and kick Peter in the groin. Peter growled in anger and ripped off his own leg, using it as a melee weapon against the Surfer. He beat him down to a pulp and knocked him out, before researching and reattatching his leg and ordering a bag of funions and exploding into a mass of spaghetti. Mario and Luigi entered the store, in search of shampoo. "Hey Luigi, that's a pile of spaghetti." Mario noted, walking towards the pile of pasta. "Mama mia, that's a spicy pile of spaghetti. Yahoo!" Luigi said, jumping into the air and getting his head lodged into the ceiling. Mario decided to eat the spaghetti. "MARIO why U NO SHARE NO FOR ME" Luigi screamed, kicking Mario in the legs. "BECAUSE A GUYS GOTTA EAT YOU KNOW WE GOTTA SAVE THE PRINCESS" Mario screamed. "THAT'S NO EXCUSE YOU FLAMINGO FATTY" "WHAT THE MUSHROOM DID YOU CALL ME LUIGI" they then brawled to the death. The spaghetti shrunk as it went down Mario's throat, and it soon turned into Peter Parker. He screamed in terror as he fell down Mario's compact body. He fell on his left kidney, and discovered a door there. "oh sweet mother bagel of left doorknob what is this" he asked, examining the door. He discovered that he needed to lick very specific brands of bagels to open it. "How am I supposed to get bagels in here?" Peter asked himself. He had soon discovered that Mario had eaten a variety of bagels today. He used his webbing to swing down to the bagels and determine which to lick. He used his advanced spider smelling abilities to determine that the Bagel Brand brand brand bagels are the one. He licked it with the utmost licking and returned to the door, which was now open, and hopped inside. Inside was (WIP) "MARIO I'MMA MESS U UP BIG TIME" Luigi screamed. He threw Mario across the room and threw a watermelon on him. Mario was losing the battle, barely damaging his taller brother. Luigi yelled and pulled out a green lightsaber, slicing Mario in half. Mario had enough, and used incredible powers to use his lower half as a vehicle. He drove out of the area, after he stole a soda machine. Peter then jumped out of Mario's left nostril and grew back to normal size. He then magically gained a suit, this one being his classic Raimi suit. "YO, SPIDEY, HELP-A-ME!" the big nosed Italian screamed, jumping up and down in the 7-11. A green question mark appeared over his head. "My name's Spider-Man and I'll be your superhero today." Spidey said, walking over to Luigi. "That crazy princess-loving goomba just stole that Nuka Cola machine!" he said. "Not if I have anything to say about it!" Spidey said, sprinting after Mario. He jumped on him and started beating his upper half. "OH NO" Mario said, a tiny version of Mario coming out of his ear and shooting Spidey with a shotgun. "not on my watch" Spidey said, grabbing the gun with his webs and throwing it out of Tiny Mario's hand. He then grabbed Tiny Mario and claimed him as a pet. "GET OFF-A ME-A" Mario said, putting himself back together and running away. Spider-Man then sprint uppercut Mario and knocked him out with a punch to the right foot. He grabbed the soda machine and shot it to the Moon. There, it would teach the Moonites how to brew sodie pop for thousands of years. As Spider-Man swings across the city, he discovers that Venom has opened a hotdog stand. He attempts to steal one of his hotdogs, but is instead ripped in two by Venom. "ouch" Spidey says, currently torn in half. He then sings Sweet Home Alabama and beats up Venom with a fire hydrant, before gluing himself back together. Suddenly, Batman glides into the area. "I'M BATMAN!" Batman screams, punching Spider-Man in the face. He then dances like Michael Jackson and has a seizure. "stop" Spiderman (respect the hyphen) says, punching Batman. "open the door everybody walk the dinosaur" Batman says, eating Spidey while he screams in terror. Batman then pukes out Spidey and throws him into the ocean, before stealing a helicopter and driving away. "not on my watch" Spider-Man says, swinging into action, before he suddenly has a vision and falls to his death. He realizes that Tepeu, the dude that saved the Majin and beat up darkness dudes, was one of his ancient ancestors. Before he could respond to the realization, he splat on the streets and exploded. Batman senses his death with the Force, and turns his helicopter around. He spends all night looking for Spidey, sending search parties and SWAT teams. He finally finds his broken, blown up corpse in the middle of the streets, and drops to his knees. "PETER" he screamed, "YOU WERE SO YOUNG" he screamed, bawling like an eight year old child that lost his balloon. "I NEVER GOT TO APOLOGIZE ABOUT THAT TIME I ATE YOUR TURKEY SANDWICH ON ACCIDENT" he said, cradling Spider-Man in his arms. Suddenly, a bolt of lighting strikes them and morphs them into one being. "what" Batman said, realizing his entire lower half was Spider-Man and that he now had two heartbeats. And two left kidneys. He knew just what to do. He turned on his flying powers and headed to Hill Valley and landed next to a random house. He ripped the door off and ate it, before discovering Doc Brown chasing a wild chicken for dinner. He then pounced on the chicken and punched it multiple times, before throwing it out the window where it would escape and call upon the Chicken Army for backup, and take over Uranus. "What in the blazing spaghetti pasta rolls with extra mushrooms" Doc Brown asked. "YOU NEED TO PULL US APART MR. SCIENTIST WE GOT MORPHED INTO ONE BEING" Batman screamed in agony. "Oh, well I have just the thing." he said, pulling out a rocket launcher. "This may sting a bit or teleport you to an alternate dimension, but don't worry, I've tested it. Try not to think about strawberries, and don't move your arms for the entire duration of the transformation." Batman was then shot by a rocket, being sent to the Tenth Dimension. "IT HURTS" Batman screamed, as Spider-Man was removed from his DNA molecule by molecule. Batman then exploded and unexploded, good as new. Spidey then came back to life, as he realized he had to go to Dr. Connor's class. "Oh no, Dr. Connor's class-" Batman punched Spidey in the spine, knocking him out. The dimension was crawling in mantis creatures, but Batman had his trusty anti-mantis assault weapon 9.0v handy. "take this ya stupid green things" he said, shooting at hordes of rabid mantis men. Suddenly, Indiana Jones appeared and kidnapped Batman. "YOU BELONG IN A MUSEUM" Jones says, teleporting to a museum. Spider-Man wakes up, and teleports back home. "What a night." Spider-Man says. He heads to bed, thinking over what happened today.. The next day, he realized that he only delivered one pizza, and the pizza bag was Chuck knows where. He screamed in fright and jumped out of bed, dancing to Ocean Man. He suddenly breaks his leg and is sent flying out of the window, breaking both of his arms and snapping his spine in two. He then sings Sweet Home Alabama via screaming in agony, thus healing his wounds. Batman taught him that trick. Suddenly, Darth Vader appeared. "Want some spaghetti?" the Sith Lord asked. "Nein" Spidey said, smacking Vader. This outrages him, forcing him to slice Spider-Man in half with his lightsaber, and call upon an army of stormtroopers. Spider-Man, sick and tired of being chopped in half, becomes one with the Force. He sings opera as he charges a Force Repulse, and then turns the army and Vader to dust. However, Vader soon comes back to life and slaps Spidey. In return, Spidey-Man screams and dances. Vader disagrees, and slaps Spidey and then challenged him to an intergalactic dance off. Spider-Man accepted, looking forward to showing off his moves. Vader teleported them to the Death Star, where the staff were currently busy fighting Rebel scum. Spider-Man then begins to dance, his spiders powers giving him athletic moves. However, Vader denies this and becomes one with the universe. His body becomes pure anti-matter, and he begins to be engraved within the fabric of the universe. Spidey says no to this and slaps him. This snaps him out of it, but Vader slaps Spidey and sends him back to the Milky Way. Spider-Man finds himself inside of the Batcave, where everybody was eating macaroni and cheese with extra pepper flakes and spaghetti sauce. Spider-Man attempted to escape, but he was jumped by Nightwing. "WHO ARE YOU" the former Robin screamed. Spider-Man kicked him in the shin and threw him across the room, attempting to escape. The Batfamily armed themselves and threw countless batarangs and bagels at Spidey, but he dodged them and found Batman's old tumbler. He gets inside and drives to the exit, but is attacked by Batgirl and Alfred. Spidey denies this and drives to the left, slamming them into the wall. He then drives to the right, allowing them to fall onto the floor, and escapes. He soon discovers that Gotham is infested with xenomorphs, as he runs over the aliens on the streets. The entire Justice League is out on the prowl, fighting hordes of xenomorphs. Not really wanting to fight the aliens, Spider-Man calls upon the powers of Chuck Norris and teleports back to New York. So he decides to head to the Daily Bugle. "PARKER" Jonah screams, just as Peter arrives at the Bugle. "what" he asks. "SHREK JUST ATE THE PRESIDENT I NEED PICTURES" he said, before throwing Peter out the window. He screams in terror, but is saved by Superman. "SUPERMAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE" Peter screamed in question. "idk lol" Superman said, dropping throwing him into his apartment. Peter puts on his Future Foundation suit and swings into action. He heads back to Han's Pizza, the last known sighting of Shrek. He soon discovered the remains of the Marines and police, ripped apart like pizza cheese and left mangled. And that's only the people who didn't get sent to Mars. "How... How could I let this happen?" Spider-Man asked, upon seeing the carnage. He was overcome with anger and grief, and swore to hunt down Shrek. He would avenge these men and save the President. He realized he would need an army, so he called Batman, who was currently on display in a museum. "We have work to do." Spidey recruits Batman, Nightwing, and Batgirl, but realizes he's gonna need more men. So he heads to Jump City, in search of recruitment. He soon finds the tower of the Teen Titans, a perfect addition to the army. They had an emo demon, a guy who could change into animals, and even a dude that's kind of a robot but not. He knocked on the door, while his soldiers waited in the Star Destroyer he bought. He was greeted by Robin, who noticed that Batman was outside, staring at an ant hill in search of ant crime. "BATMAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HE-" he was then knocked out by Spidey, who dragged his body into the ocean. Batman then punched the hill to death, as an ant looked at him like a thief would. "yo where's robin" Beast Boy asked. "he went shopping" Spidey replied. In the distance, Robin washed ashore on a remote island, and would survive there until he would be saved two months later. "Oh" Beast Boy replied. "Wanna help us fight Shrek" "sure homie" And the Titans joined Spidey in his cause, and they went to recruit Ash Ketchum, as he had various pokemans that could be valuable in the battle against Shrek. On the way to the planet where Pokemon takes place, Spidey began pondering. He knew that Shrek wasn't the only threat he would face today. Ra's would be back, back for his drink. Superman may turn evil again, like he did in Injustice 2. He needed to build an even bigger army, and set up shop on an even bigger base. Train his men into fighting ogres and immortal Sith lords, buy anti-ogre cannons. Spidey named this new group "Spider-Man's Pasta Makeover Party", the faction that watched over the planet in search of incredible threats. Although this is a super unoriginal idea, because the SCP Foundation, UNIT, Torchwood, and Warehouse 13 already exist, but who cares? Meanwhile, at the Daily Bugle... Jonah was in the basement of the Bugle, where he had a cloning operation going on and a secret lab. He was looking through pictures of Spider-Man, until he got a phone call. "Yes, who is it?" he asked, removing his cigar from his mouth hole. "It's your Benefactor." "Oh, it's you. Didn't I tell you to kiss a turtle's left leg until you got me Spider-Man's DNA?" Jonah asked. "I am allergic to turtles, and I have ze Spider-Man's DNA. But, ve have to talk about buyers." "Buyers? I ain't sellin' DNA, you spaghetti biting half wit of a DNA dealer." Jonah yelled, enraged. "But I'm sure Black Mesa-" "Black Mesa, Aperture Science, RoxXon, Han's Pizza, Oscorp, Wayne Enterprises, Nuka Cola, Kroger, Kraft, I don't care. This is my Spider DNA." Jonah said, hanging up. He then tasked Deadshot with retrieving the DNA under any means nessesary... Suddenly, SpongeBob appears in a cloud of smoke. "give me the fried ice cream" the sponge asked. "Who the big donut McBooty rice plastic are you?" Jonah asked, pulling out a thermonuclear laser death pistol that had three tasers tied to it, along with a grenade launcher and a crowbar. "I'm SpongeBob SquarePants, the one to rule you all" "all right get outta here bilbo baggins" Jonah said, opening fire at the sea sponge. It was no use. "All right I'm outta here bye bitch" Jonah screamed, running to his panic room. The sponge then shot him in the neck with a dart, covered in sleeping poison. Meanwhile, at the S-MPMP Star Destroyer... Spider-Man and friends had defeated Shrek, and saved Donald Trump from his belly. However, he soon discovered that he was late for work. He then called upon the power of the Daedric lords and teleported back to Manhattan. He needed to deliver some pizza, and lots of pizza. However, as he begins swinging throughout the city, he discovers that the town is ridden with crime. He had been doing no crime fighting for days now. He started off with saving someone from a mugging, but then.... "MY BALLOON" Just what he feared. No balloon was safe from this crime spree. He swings into action and saves the balloon, giving it to the child in need. "what do you say" the father asked his son. "Sometimes balloons pop!" "no you're supposed to say thanks you should have stayed in college" Spider-Man then realized the New Yorkian Bank of Spaghetti Apple was being robbed by the Carrot Thug Gang. "Oh rice beans" he exclaims, before hitching a ride on a SWAT van to the bank. He begins to break dance on the van, before realizing that the Carrot Gang were aided by an army of Shrek clones! He knows that in order to defeat them, he needs to beat Bill Gates in chess. So instead of doing this, he charges into the bank and uppercuts a robber. "Spider! Shoot his bum!" the gang leader screamed, his green shirted carrot eating thugs opening fire at Spider-Man. Spidey disagrees with this, and summons a bucket of chicken. He captures the thugs in the bucket, them trapped inside the chicken bucket. The gang flees with the gold, and gets into an escape car. Spidey swings after them, while a Shrek clone opened fire with his laser beam eyes. Spider-Man dodges the beam and puts dirt in his eye, thus causing the Shrek clone to implode. The hench men disagree with this turn of events and throw football sized nukes at Spidey, who befriends the bombs and takes them out for dinner. The thugs, having tried everything in the book, summon Guy Fieri. "I'm gonna take you to Flavor Town." Guy says, roundhouse kicking Spidey in the groin. This teleports them both to the Flavor Town Realm, a town of flavor. Guy pulls out a chicken leg and charges at Spidey, who simply eats the leg and grabs a piping hot bowl of spicy spaghetti with his webs. "Say goodnight" he says, throwing the bowl at Guy. The steaming hot sauce and noodles melts Guy into a puddle, his reign of flavor ending. "I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS SPIDER-MAN" Guy screamed, as Spidey left the realm and appeared on top of the escape car. He beats the car to death with a fire hydrant and covers the hench men with webs, before throwing them into the Atlantic Ocean with telekensis. He grabs the bag of gold and swings next to his apartment, throwing the bag of gold onto his bed. He had to get paid somehow for saving the city. He then realized he was hungry, and teleported to his apartment. He opened up his cooler and pulled out a can of Rainer's Spicy German Weiners and put it in the microwave, along with a can of ice cold Soder Cola. He plops down on his bed, pulling off his mask to get some fresh air. Then he gets up because he was microwaving food. He took the can and looked in his closet for a plastic package of sporks, and added some basil to the weiners. He replops on his bed, still wearing his suit. He turns on his TV and watches Jewish Jewels, the new show that's sweeping the nation. He devoures one of the pretty little cocktail weenies as he watches the show about Jewish precious stones, before Aunt May kicks on the door. "PETER OPEN UP" May screams. "what" Peter asks in a monotone voice. "PIZZA DELIVERY" she screams, ripping the door off and throwing a pizza at Peter. This causes him to explode and reappear in a strange, underground facility. "Where the beanie weenies am I?" he asks. He looks around, and finds that the building is decayed and taken over by Mother Nature. It seems to be a research lab. He shrugs and begins feasting on his German weiners, until a pedestal appears from the ground, containing a strange gun-like object. He walks towards it and picks it up, wielding the strange item. He accidentally shoots a wall, creating a blue hole in it. "What the German weenie?" he asks, until he shoots himself with the device and turns into glowing ash. However, Bob the Builder happened to be exploring the facility, and fixes Peter. "Who the who are you?" he asks the strange builder. "Why, I'm Bob the Builder." he says. "Oh. What is this place?" Peter asks. "I dunno, but I think it's owned by Aperture Science. The dudes that made shower curtains." Bob replies. "I like shower curtains." Peter notes. Suddenly, Peter soon discovers a vial of plutonium-238 within his left leg. This spoke to him. Why was a highly radioactive element stored within his leg? He needed to know more. However, a robotic voice interrupted him. "Welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center. Prepare to begin testing." the feminine voice said. Suddenly, a zombie fell out of the ceiling. "WHAT THE JUMPIN' BLUE RICE BOWL" Peter screams, shooting the zombie with his gun. It did nothing, so he shot the ground for some reason and then the ceiling. This caused the zombie to wonder why he did this, causing him to implode. In fact, he actually created two portals by doing this. "what the blueberry syrup" he asks himself. "In this next test, you will attempt to find out what happens when you feed a zombie Swedish barnacle balls." the voice says. "For science." Peter nods, and a zombie emerges from the ceiling. And a can of Swedish barnacle balls. "Here comes the choo choo train" Peter says, scooping up a ball with his spork and flying said spork toward the zombie's mouth. As it was a vegetarian, it refused. Peter, enraged, sought to educate the zombie on homemade biscuits. That oughta teach him. Peter took his hand and led him to an oven randomly placed on the floor, while Bob did stuff because I didn't forget about him (yet). He then pulled out a cookbook he bought from Hogwarts and sang Sweet Home Alabama from it. This made it clear to the zombie, he was now educated on biscuits and radio towers. He then ate the barnacle balls and became a vial of tritium. "oh coo-" Dr. Octopus appeared, throwing Peter across the room. "I need that valuable tritium!" Ock said, grabbing the vial with his robo arm and making off with it. "not on my watch" Peter said, chasing after Ock. Suddenly, Bob created a rocket launcher with soup cans and shot at Ock. However, it hit Peter and caused him to puke tomato juice. "oh no" Bob said, fainting. Ock had escaped with the tritium, before the building started to self destruct. "OH NO" Peter screamed, grabbing Bob and his portal gun and running the opposite direction. This didn't work, as it caused him to get bamboozled by a giant headcrab. "what the sprinklin' Juno Eclipse sauce with extra mayo" Bob screamed, shooting the crab with a gluon gun. The headcrab refused this and flew into the sky, attaching itself to an equally giant Galactus. "oh poop" Peter said, before grabbing a box of turrets and his portal gun and running away with Bob. They suddenly teleported back to his apartment in New York. "we gotta stop zombie galactus before he eats the planet" Peter said, before revealing that he was Spider-Man by putting on one of his suits. "Spidah-Man? I like shoes." "yes" Suddenly, Plastic Man appeared. "ahoy maties" the person said. "what" Spidey asked. Plastic Man then stretched into the shape of a door, and Spidey, liking doors, entered through the door. He was now in another dimension, a pitch black room with wet sounds everytime he stepped. "excuse me" Spidey asked, confused. Suddenly, a mass of tentacles and tendrils emerged from a shining pillar in the middle of the room. "Mylar-Ohtep" was its name, according to the voices now talking within Spidey's head. They grabbed onto his arms, the voices becoming louder and louder until he blacked out. He woke up later, on his bed. His suit was covered in strange symbols and writing, and his suit was covered in sweat. "Wh-what?" Spidey asked, still confused, and threw off his mask. Bob the Builder was playing Superman 64 on his computer, while drinking a bottle of spaghetti. "Oh, you're awake. I found you in Shrek's swamp during my morning stroll." Bob said, removing himself from the game and chair. "How long have I been out?" Peter asked. "Three weeks. The planet is now enslaved by Zombie Galactus." Bob says, opening the blinds and revealing a New York in chaos. Buildings were on fire, and head crabs and zombies flooded the street. People walked around with the zombies, wearing mind control devices. Chapter 2: World's End "I-I don't understand." Peter said, leaning onto the window's bar thing and watching the carnage ensue. "How could this happen? How did the Justice League, or the Avengers, or the Sense of Right Alliance not intervene?" he asked. "We were caught off guard and overwhelmed. Galactus had spent a week gathering zombies from all over the galaxy for the invasion, according to his propaganda. The Alliance was the leading faction on the battlefield, but they were missing men." "Who, me?" "Yes. And Batman." Bob replied, leaning back and cracking open a cold one. "What happened-" "Gotham's been cut off. No one in or out. It's like No Man's Land all over again." Bob said, taking a big ol' sip of his spaghetti. "But Batman has a plane. With stealth mode." Spidey replied, turning to Bob. "Batman's tech is useless. The U.S. dropped a nuke on Galactus, in the oceans near Gotham. Didn't work, of course, and the EMP from the bomb disabled Gotham's power." Peter sighed, "Well, maybe we could... Oh my God, where's Aunt May?" Category:Blog posts